Turning Almost 40: A Quarter-Life Crisis (or is it Mid-Life?)

Last June, I've officially stepped into the realm of "almost-40-ish." Okay, let’s be honest. Becoming mak-chic² isn’t all deep thoughts and existential crises. A decade ago, this age seemed so distant, a milestone I'd reach with a sense of accomplishment and maturity. Now that I'm here, it's a mix of emotions: excitement for what lies ahead and a tinge of melancholy for the fleeting years, plus a healthy dose of panic mixed in there too. Like, where did the time go? And why hips hurt and my back hurt so bad? Why do my knees crack when I pray?

I used to think 30 was old. Sangat sangat tua. I feel like I have lived a century. Now, bila sikit lagi nak dekat 40, it feels like a prime number; and I must admit that sometime I feel lonely and misunderstood, unfairly treated, have been taking for granted - I'm an empath. I'm used to it anyway. They used to say your thirties are a time of significant transformation. It's a period when the carefree days of youth begin to fade, and the responsibilities of adulthood fully take hold.

Seriously though, there’s a certain charm to this age. We’re wise enough to know better, but young enough to still make questionable life choices (like ordering takeout for the fifth time this week). We’ve survived countless trends, from frosted tips to low-rise jeans, and yet, here we are, still figuring it all out. For many, it's a time of career advancements, family growth, and personal milestones. But for me, it's also been a time of introspection and soul-searching.

There's a quiet battle raging within. Part of me is still that impulsive, carefree young woman, eager to explore and experience life to the fullest. The other part is the responsible adult, mindful of commitments and obligations. It's like having two sides of the same coin, constantly vying for attention.

Being an old woman has forced me to confront my own mortality; sikit sahaja lagi nak cecah 40s. Yup, the "crucial age" 40. There's a saying; if a person reaches the age of forty and is in a particular character (dalam melakukan dosa), then he or she will never change until his or her death. But that's not all, before reach 40, there will be serial of "test" for you, a climax of your life existence which either leads you to jalan yang benar or sebaliknya. Like my ex-Boss used to say, anything can happen. Hari ini baik, esok belum tentu. Hari ini jahat, esok belum tentu selamanya tak baik. It's a sobering realization, but it's also a powerful motivator for change. I want to make the most of this life, to live with purpose and intention. It's time to let go of what no longer serves me and embrace the opportunities that lie ahead.

As I navigate this new chapter, I find myself drawn to spirituality and personal growth. There's a growing awareness of life's fragility and the importance of living a meaningful existence, and sense of peace. But amidst the chaos and confusion, there’s also a sense of peace. There’s a quiet joy to be found. It's in the laughter shared with friends, the comfort of family, and the small victories of everyday life. It's in the appreciation for the simple things, like a good book, a cup of coffee, or a peaceful moment to yourself. I'm learning to embrace the imperfections. We’ve shed some of the insecurities and let of unrealistic expectations; focusing on what truly matters. To find balance between ambition and contentment. It's a work in progress, but it's a journey I'm excited to embark on.

We know who we are, or at least we think we do. And that’s kind of liberating. The Quran reminds us in Surah Al-Ahqaaf, verse 15, of the profound connection between parents and children. It's a verse that resonates deeply with me, as I cherish the bond I share with my own family.

46:15

وَوَصَّيْنَا ٱلْإِنسَـٰنَ بِوَٰلِدَيْهِ إِحْسَـٰنًا ۖ حَمَلَتْهُ أُمُّهُۥ كُرْهًۭا وَوَضَعَتْهُ كُرْهًۭا ۖ وَحَمْلُهُۥ وَفِصَـٰلُهُۥ ثَلَـٰثُونَ شَهْرًا ۚ حَتَّىٰٓ إِذَا بَلَغَ أَشُدَّهُۥ وَبَلَغَ أَرْبَعِينَ سَنَةًۭ قَالَ رَبِّ أَوْزِعْنِىٓ أَنْ أَشْكُرَ نِعْمَتَكَ ٱلَّتِىٓ أَنْعَمْتَ عَلَىَّ وَعَلَىٰ وَٰلِدَىَّ وَأَنْ أَعْمَلَ صَـٰلِحًۭا تَرْضَىٰهُ وَأَصْلِحْ لِى فِى ذُرِّيَّتِىٓ ۖ إِنِّى تُبْتُ إِلَيْكَ وَإِنِّى مِنَ ٱلْمُسْلِمِينَ ١٥

"Dan Kami wajibkan manusia berbuat baik kepada kedua ibu bapanya; ibunya telah mengandungnya dengan menanggung susah payah dan telah melahirkannya dengan menanggung susah payah. Sedang tempoh mengandungnya beserta dengan tempoh menceraikan susunya ialah dalam masa tiga puluh bulan. Setelah ia besar sampai ke peringkat dewasa yang sempurna kekuatannya dan sampai ke peringkat umur empat puluh tahun, berdoalah ia dengan berkata: "Wahai Tuhanku, ilhamkanlah daku supaya tetap bersyukur akan nikmatmu yang engkau kurniakan kepadaku dan kepada ibu bapaku, dan supaya aku tetap mengerjakan amal soleh yang Engkau redai; dan jadikanlah sifat-sifat kebaikan meresap masuk ke dalam jiwa zuriat keturunanku. Sesungguhnya aku bertaubat kepadamu, dan sesungguhnya aku dari orang-orang Islam (yang tunduk patuh kepadamu)".

Yet, the world around us often pulls us in different directions. The constant pressure to succeed, the allure of material possessions, and the demands of modern life can easily overshadow our spiritual journey. It's a delicate balance between fulfilling our worldly responsibilities and nurturing our souls.

This is just the beginning of my journey. So, here’s to turning 40; a time of self-discovery, questionable life choices, and the occasional existential crisis. It's been quite a ride. There have been ups and downs, but I wouldn't trade it for anything. Here's to this beautiful mess we call life. Sesungguhnya kami berlaku zalim, ke atas diri kami sendiri and may Allah forgive our sins, always lead us back to Him & Grant us #Jannah. Amin.🥺